On the Casual Use of the Term “Depression”

Did watching an episode on Netflix make you have trouble breathing, or make you want to lock yourself in your bedroom and spend the rest of the night under covers? I’m not here to police language or take away from your experience, but I’ll put a few dollars on “probably not.” 

Hope y’all had a good weekend! If you’ve been as busy as me, you probably needed the break.

Besides playing way too much Fortnite (xchilphilx on XBL) and bumping new Travis Scott way too loud…I’ve been working on a few things behind the scenes. While those are cooking, I wanted to stop by and have a quick (but important) discussion on a topic that’s been on my mind for a while.

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How y’all doing?

Several weeks ago, Instagram began providing an option for users to ask questions on their story and have them answered by their followers. I’m always looking for topics to continue the mental health conversation, so I decided to ask my peeps if there was anything they wanted to read about. One follower and good friend (thanks, @theycallmetap) in particular started a conversation about whether or not I think mental health words and terms such as “depression” and “anxiety” are overused (spoiler alert: I do), and before too long this post was born.

You’ve probably experienced it in your daily life. Someone says “Ugh, this weather is depressing,” or “Have you seen the latest episode of X, so depressed Johnny died,” or “this traffic is giving me anxiety.” Regardless of the situation, it’s becoming (at least to me) a disturbing trend – both in my day-to-day life and social media. Trivializing and colloquializing (had to double-check the spelling on that one) mental health and its terms have unfortunately become a norm – more often than not, it seems, by people that just don’t seem to understand mental illness.

Using something too much, like a word or a term, can dilute it and remove the significance of its meaning. “I’m depressed” these days has really become equivalent to “I’m a little sad.” “This gives me anxiety” really means “I’m just a little stressed about it,” and so on. I once read that we would never use a serious physical illness (like cancer) to mean “a little sick”, so why do we use mental illnesses this way?

Did watching an episode on Netflix make you have trouble breathing, or make you want to lock yourself in your bedroom and spend the rest of the night under covers? Did a little bit of rain give you heart palpitations, sweaty palms, or make you feel you don’t deserve to live? I’m not here to police language or take away from your experience, but I’ll put a few dollars on “probably not”.

In my experience, using terms in this way really takes away from those who are going through serious mental health struggles…and it isn’t fair to us as a whole. In addition, it can further add to the stigma of mental illness by contributing to its misunderstanding and making anxiety, depression, etc. seem less serious or important. Mental health and mental illness are serious issues, so we should treat them that way.

So, all that considered, the next time we choose to use a term such as “depressed”, “anxiety”, or “OCD” and the like, I hope we all consider what those terms may mean to someone else.

What are your thoughts?  I’d love to hear them.

Here for you always,

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Phil.

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On Coping

I wanted to write a post about how I deal with bouts of depression as well as share some ways I’ve found that help me get back on track. It’s a bit of a longer read, but I hope they help you or someone you know in even the slightest way.

Hi guys.

As usual, it’s been a bit of a break between posts. Things have been up and down, but I’m coping.

On that note, I wanted to write a post about how I deal with bouts of depression as well as share some ways I’ve found that help me get back on track. It’s a bit of a longer read, but I hope they help you or someone you know in even the slightest way.

Alright, on to the meat (sorry, vegans) and potatoes.

Avoid the negative.

This includes negative thoughts and words. When I’m feeling less-than-ideal, I tend to make things even worse by putting myself down, especially with my own words. On my worse days, this ends up putting me in a terrible cycle: I feel down, and then I’m hard on myself for being down, which in turn tends to make me feel worse. On other days, I make plans then either cancel or fail to meet my goals, which in turn makes me punish myself for not meeting them or canceling on someone. I also tend to make everything black-and-white (things are either all good, or all bad), which we know in reality is never the case.

Challenging these thoughts and feelings can be difficult, but is a necessary step in moving forward. One of the ways I do this is for every negative thought or feeling, I try to think of a few of the positives relevant to it. For example, if I have a stressful day at work I try to remind myself that hey, I have a job. Even though it may have been hard to get out of bed, I was able to make it there.

Another method I use to try and cope with negative thoughts and feelings is to own them, but only within that moment. For example, there have been more than a few times where I’ve said to myself “I feel like I’ll never get anywhere” or “I feel like I don’t have a purpose.” When I’m struggling with these thoughts, I try to make an effort to change them to “I feel like I’m going nowhere right now” and “At the moment, I feel like I don’t have a purpose.”

See the difference? They change from absolute statements to ones that are more open-ended and a bit more optimistic than before. Sometimes, slight changes in your thinking like these may be all you need to get you going.

Add some structure.

I try to avoid the term “routine”, because for me nothing ever goes 100% according to routine…but I find having some structure to my day helps me cope. For example, I try to set a general idea of when I get to bed and when I want to wake up. I also try to make a mental note of one or a few things that I want to get done or should get done that day, such as “get up from my desk every so often” or “go for a walk at lunch” or “finish this task today.” More on this later, but I find that these small action items really help me feel good to accomplish.

I approach meals the same way as bedtime, by trying to have a general idea of the times I want to eat. There are still days that I get either so busy or so overwhelmed that I “forget” or don’t have too many opportunities to have a decent meal (which is never a good thing), but I find that even just mentally reinforcing the fact that I need to make time to eat will help me stay on track. This leads me to my next point:

Eat.

Some people (me) don’t have an appetite when they’re depressed, while others find comfort in food. I’m not here to tell you what you should or should not eat, but step one is making it a habit of getting your meals in.

As I mentioned above, I regularly end up skipping meals (especially breakfast) due to wanting to stay in bed longer or being “too busy.” I always find on these days, though, that I am more irritable, fatigued, and more prone to feeling down than if I took the time to get something healthy and filling into my body.

Other suggestions I would add here include reducing sugars and other carbs (in the future I’ll post about a few of the diets I’ve tried and how they made me feel), as well as throwing in a multivitamin to help your body get what it needs.

Ease off of alcohol.

For some people this may be harder than others, but I found personally that when I stopped drinking as much, I generally felt better. I used to drink a lot to cope and to escape from what I was going through. This coupled with the usual social drinking saw me imbibing way more than the average person, and nothing good came out of it. The days after binge drinking were my worst days, as everything I was going through felt magnified.

When I stopped drinking, I almost immediately saw benefits. My mood was better, I lost the weight I gained, and generally felt less fog-brained. I began to replace the alcohol with other activities, and I really believe it made me better off.

I’m not suggesting to cut out alcohol completely, but I’m living proof that alcohol in moderation is orders of magnitude better than making drinking a regular thing.

Set small goals. 

The smaller the better. There’s a common saying that goes “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” The bigger picture may be overwhelming, but I find if I take things one step at a time (trust me, sometimes they are VERY small steps – like just getting out of bed), eventually I get into a rhythm and begin ticking things off of my to-do lists.

I find even for larger goals, if I try to break it up into smaller stages or steps…it makes accomplishing the larger task (especially ones that seem daunting) just a bit easier. It also helps if you’re as impatient as I am, as I find accomplishing the smaller tasks tends to ease my mind, reinforcing the fact that I am making progress.

Take a break.

I am a firm believer in the mental health day. When I was working in IT full-time, one of our running jokes (even if the issue had nothing to do with the computer) was to ask the client if they’d tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. Sometimes, our bodies and minds need that reset…even if it means getting away for a period of time. Even if you can’t afford to take a full day off, even making time to get away from that desk or computer screen can help.

When you do take that break, though…it’s important not to use it as a form of avoidance, and equally important not to neglect yourself. The idea is you want to use your breaks to get better. If you’re exhausted, use it to rest and recuperate. If you’ve been neglecting something physical or medical that’s been bothering you, use it for that doctor’s appointment. If you’ve been meaning to start working out, now’s the perfect time to go to the gym or try that yoga class you saw being advertised.

I personally make it a point to improve my self-care on my days off, and I highly recommend it. Brush your teeth, take that extra shower, try that new skin care product you bought…whatever it takes to get you going and feeling like a better you.

Finally, when you’ve exhausted all of your other options…my final point can be very helpful.

Reach out.

Many of us tend to want to deal with our problems on our own, regardless of what the problem is. Unfortunately, that can mean keeping the worst to ourselves and suffering alone. On the bright side, there’s simply no rule book and nothing set in stone that will say you have to.

The easiest way is to talk to someone you know who has or is going through something similar, as support is so invaluable. Even if you never discuss the topic directly, sometimes just having a bit of company is enough to get you through a rough patch. If you don’t have someone like that close by or available to you, there are a number of support groups out there. You may choose to attend the ones that offer support in-person, or simply call in or join an online group. Reading or talking to someone about their story can help put things into perspective for you. You’ll likely find that more people than you think go through similar struggles everyday, and you’re never alone unless you want to be.

Finally, speaking from experience, professional help can be a life saver. If you’ve been feeling like you’ve tried everything else and nothing is working, I really recommend it. I used my work’s employee assistance program, which may also work for you. Your doctor may also have similar resources.

As always, thanks for reading, hope even the smallest thing here helps, and feel free to reach out if you’ve got any comments or questions. Until the next post, don’t give up!

Phil.

 

On Medication and Mental Health IV

I’ve always considered medication to be an aid, and not a fix-all solution to treating my depression. Over time, I slowly began to replace meds with other things.

So it’s been a little while since my last post. I’ve done some traveling, made some changes to my diet and fitness routines, and generally have been busy with the 9 to 5 grind.

Before I get into the content, I’d like to thank everyone that asked about the blog and when the next post was coming. If this is your first time reading, please feel free to check out the other posts.

If I had to pick a different title for this post it would probably be “Why I Stopped Taking Medication For My Depression”, or something similar.

Now before we get into the “why”, I want to be clear. I’m not giving up, ever. My choice to end medication as a form of treatment for depression didn’t come overnight, nor was it an easy one to make. I do think, however, that I made the right choice. What follows next is the shortlist of why I decided to stop.

My regular side effects never really went away. While they did get easier to handle over time, there was never a long stretch of time where I didn’t feel some sort of effect from the medication. These included constant fatigue, the occasional numb feelings, weight gain, and libido changes. It really hurt my productivity, and I never really fully felt like myself. I didn’t want to continue feeling that way without any sign of it getting better long term.

The meds would eventually stop “working”. While I do feel like the medication did help in stints, there were a few occasions where I felt like they stopped doing their job. I’m not sure if my body had adjusted to the dosage, or if they simply weren’t effective anymore, but there were periods of time where I felt worse than before I was on medication. My doctor and I agreed to increase the dosage each time, but eventually I would experience the same issues. I did not want to continue taking high doses of a prescription med, and I didn’t want to try a new/different medication (complete with new and possibly worse side effects).

I sometimes felt “that” feeling. I’ll talk about this more in another post, but on occasion (especially the time following a dosage change), I felt like I wanted to check out. I had never really had suicidal thoughts or feelings before, especially before I decided to take medication. Eventually, I decided that the risk was too high for me to continue. I wanted to live.

It’s important for me to note that I didn’t (and one shouldn’t) go cold turkey. I spoke to my doctor about stopping, and we agreed to slowly and gradually reduce the dosage. Even this process was difficult for me, as I felt like the symptoms got worse during this time. I was constantly dizzy, felt light-headed, and very, very irritable. My depression felt worse at points, as well. Eventually though, things got better and now I’m doing very well. Minus a few recent (and minor) hiccups, I’ve been maintaining a pretty stable mindset for the past several months and – save for the occasional joint (more on that later) – have been drug-free.

In conclusion, I’ve always considered medication to be an aid, and not a fix-all solution to treating my depression. Over time, I slowly began to replace meds with other things. These include more physical activity, more regular sessions with my therapist, and being more mindful of my sleep and what I put into my body – including food. I still have the occasional “off” day, and I know it will be a while before I’m completely symptom-free (if ever), but I plan to stick this out the usual way I do – one day at a time.

 

On Medication and Mental Health III

Life has a funny way of coming full circle. I suppose I needed some closure, some sort of sign that I made the right decision with my mental health, and life sorted that out for me.

Hey all. Sorry for the delay.

In the last few posts, we looked at medication for mental health – from the various kinds to reasons why some people choose to (or not to) start a treatment plan involving medication. In this post, I’ll get into why I personally decided to give medication a try.

Now for the heavy shit.

Just about a few weeks shy of four years ago, I was driving home from a night out that involved a work Christmas party, as well as a few bars in Hamilton, ON. I had had more than a few drinks at the party, but stopped drinking several hours before a friend and I left to go out to the bars. I barely drank there (maybe a Heineken or two), and after another few hours, left the area to go home after dropping my friend off at his house.

Before we get into the rest of what happened that night, let’s preface it by summarizing my last few months leading up to it.

To start, I had gone through a rough (but amicable) breakup, and while we did talk often enough I was still struggling with the fact that she had moved more than half a world away. I had just begun to really get back on my feet again emotionally, but regardless of the reasons – losing any kind of support system is a bitch.

The romantic part aside, I was having a rough time with my life in the professional sense. Unsure of what I really wanted to do (or even if I wanted to stay where I was working), coming into the office everyday was a struggle. Once I would get there, however, there was enough work to keep the mind busy – at least until the end of the work day. To top things off – I was still adjusting to a move from the city to suburban living, and had to keep adjusting in the middle of the coldest winter I could remember. It was the first year that I really started believing that seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a real thing.

Now back to the night that would change my life, thankfully for the better.

Overnight, the weather had become incredibly colder and even icier. As I’m driving home, my thoughts are racing. What could I have done better in my failed relationship? How do I feel more fulfilled at my job? Do I even like it there, or am I only really actively going because I know it’s a distraction? These and what felt like millions of other thoughts shoot through my mind to the point where I don’t notice that the lane I am in is rapidly ending, and I need to switch over to the left-most lane to get on the highway.

I must have hit a patch of black ice, because my car just won’t slow down. I pump the brakes rapidly, but no luck – my car is sliding sideways towards the ditch between the on-ramp and the highway. A sign on the side of the road (one of those directional arrows that line the ramps) crashes into and through my driver-side window and nearly ends up in my lap after missing my face. My car careens off of the on-ramp, and ends up sideways in the ditch.

I have to escape out of my mangled vehicle through my passenger door, crawling through snow, ice, blood (from superficial cuts, thankfully), metal, and glass. I make it to the top of the on-ramp, where eventually a police officer shows up and helps me into his car and out of the cold. I admit to having a few drinks earlier, and blow and pass a breathalyzer (I still get a ticket for driving with alcohol in my system – didn’t have a full license at the time). Sitting in the back of a police car, regardless of why you’re there, is a sobering and humbling experience. Given what I had already went through though, I was just happy to be alive and warm.

I still had to get home, though. I ended up having to tow my car back – where overnight a branch from an iced-over tree fell through some power lines and cut power to my side of the neighborhood. No power meant no elevator, so that meant at least eleven flights of stairs just to get to my freezing apartment. I quickly change and jump under a blanket, still a bit shaken and absolutely done with that night.

At this point, I was already seeing a counselor every few weeks or so to try and get help with my mental illness. After these events, though, I decided I needed (scratch that, I owed it to myself) to give myself more of a fighting chance. Cue the medication, which I spoke to my family doctor about and have been on since.

Flash-forward to just over four years later, I’m driving back from Hamilton. Same sort of on-ramp (no booze this time, though – I’m still watching my intake very mindfully), same shitty weather. This time, the thoughts are different. I’m content and hopeful. I am excited to finally fly out and head back to The Bahamas for a few weeks to see my parents and friends I don’t regularly get to see. Same slippery black ice too, unfortunately.

I hit this patch at a much slower speed, but still couldn’t get my car under control enough to slow down and avoid a collision. This time, however, I don’t end up in a ditch. I hit a guard rail, break a fender and bend a rim just enough to where driving it home wouldn’t be safe. Not so bad, all things considered.

I end up having to tow my car off of the highway and back home again, but this time it’s to a house I own. There’s no power outage this time. I sort out the payment details with the tow-truck driver, step into my warm townhouse, take off my shoes, walk up one flight of stairs to my master bedroom, and fall into my comfortable bed.

Life has a funny way of coming full circle. I suppose I needed some closure, some sort of sign that I made the right decision with my mental health, and life sorted that out for me.

I hope if you’re reading this and are struggling, that you’ll make my advice and try and take care of your mental health. It’s always worth it.

On Medication and Mental Health II

There are many other forms of mental illness out there, which I’ll eventually delve into, but for this post we will focus on depression treatment via medications known as antidepressants.

Well, it’s been a loaded few weeks for me, and I’m finally getting back into writingº. If you’ve been following the blog so far, last post we looked at a few reasons why people choose to go on medication to treat their mental illness, as well as a few reasons why people avoid the topic altogether. If you haven’t had a chance to read that post (On Medication and Mental Health I), feel free to check it out before or after this one.

In this post, we will look at a general, layman’s overview of medication for depression only.  If you’re a biology/chemistry buff or are otherwise educated in the specifics, I hope I don’t make you cringe from my over-simplifications.

There are many other forms of mental illness out there, which I’ll eventually delve into, but for this post we will focus on depression treatment via medications known as antidepressants. Some of this may be information you have seen before, and some of it may be new. In any case, I hope this post is informative and helpful.

How do antidepressants work?

If you’ve ever sat down and Googled “depression”, you’ve more than likely come across depression being described as a condition stemming from chemical imbalances, deficiencies, or both. The truth is, no one really knows for sure what causes depression, however many researchers tend to agree that treating depression should involve addressing the levels of certain chemicals (called “neurotransmitters”) in the brain. Neurotransmitters, in short, are chemicals that allow the passing of electrical signals between neurons (nerve cells) in the brain, and include dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.  Different types of antidepressants affect the levels of different neurotransmitters in different ways.

What are some of the different types of antidepressants?

For this section, we’ll take a look at some of the main types of antidepressants, including reuptake inhibitors, Tri/tetracyclics, and MAOIs.

The first step in understanding reuptake inhibitors is to understand reuptake. This process occurs in the brain, whereby neurotransmitters are reabsorbed back into neurons after being used. A reuptake inhibitor prevents this re-absorption from happening for a period of time. The theory with these medications is that the more neurotransmitters working outside of nerve cells, the more communication happens within the brain, thus regulating mood. Reuptake inhibitors include SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) such as Lexapro and Zoloft, which as the name suggests help prevent serotonin reuptake. Other examples include SNRIs (which help inhibit serotonin as well as norepinephrine reuptake) such as Effexor and Cymbalta and NDRIs (norepinephrine and domapine reuptake inhibitors) such as Wellbutrin.

Tetracyclics (such as Asendin and Remeron) help prevent reuptake in a different way. They are thought to stop neurotransmitters from binding with the nerves, causing them the neurotransmitters to build up outside of the nerve cells and effectively raising their levels.

Tricyclics (such as Elavil and Tofranil) block the reabsorption of serotonin and epinephrine. These medications can have more serious side effects, as elevated epinephrine (also known as adrenaline) levels have been known to affect people with certain heart conditions.

MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors such as Marplan and Nardil) work slightly differently, in that they block monoamine oxidase, a chemical in the body that breaks down neurotransmitters. Basically, the less chemicals that are around to break down neurotransmitters, the more neurotransmitters exist. A possible side effect of these medications however, is that MAOIs can also prevent the body from breaking down other medications and chemicals – raising risks for other complications.

How effective are they?

In doing my research, it seems the benefits of medication tend to depend on the severity of the illness. Medication seems to help more as depression becomes more serious. One of the drawbacks of depression medication, however, is that antidepressants can take a while to work (often several weeks) and initially can even make depression symptoms worse while introducing side effects.

Are there side effects/risks?

As mentioned in previous sections, there are side effects to consider when starting antidepressants. Some are mild such as dry mouth, headaches, low sex drive, etc. Some can be more serious including increased risk of suicide and organ issues such as heart and liver problems.

How long should I take one?

Some people see benefits from antidepressants after several weeks, some several months, and some may never see benefits from a certain medication and may try another form. For people that do see benefits, the time frame in which they take medication could range from several months to several years.

As with any and all medications, do your research, talk to your health care provider(s), and learn as much as you can. Ultimately, the decision to begin any kind of medication should not be taken lightly, and antidepressants should be no different.

xo,

Phil.

 

Continue reading “On Medication and Mental Health II”

On Medication and Mental Health I

In this and following series of posts, I’ll try to tackle why many people decide to or not to go on medication, as well as a few things one should know should they decide to make medication a part of their treatment regime. 

As some of you know, a few years ago I decided to begin taking an antidepressant in efforts to treat my depression and anxiety after years of exploring other methods.  It was not an easy decision, nor did I arrive at it overnight. Deciding to start taking an antidepressant took weeks of research, talks with my counselor and family doctor, and a long battle within myself to finally say “OK, I’ll try it.”

I’ll save my personal experiences with making the decision for another time, but in this and the following series of posts, I’ll try to tackle why many people decide to or not to go on medication. Also, I’ll attempt to discuss a few things one should know should they decide to make medication a part of their treatment regime, as well as medication for mental health as a whole.

So, why do we avoid medication? Here are a few reasons.

  • We want to do it all by ourselves. Regardless of what type of medication and what it is treating, some people will ultimately always avoid the doctor’s office. This mindset tends to be especially harmful for mental illness, as doing it “on your own” tends to lead to isolation, ineffective coping mechanisms, and other decisions that can ultimately lead to worsening symptoms. Regardless of a person’s view on medication itself, I will always suggest seeking medical advice to someone going through bouts of mental illness.
  • We don’t want to rely on something “unnatural”.  There are some people who will always believe that medications are unnatural and/or will introduce undesired changes in the mind and body. While this is understandable, more often than not, various forms of mental illness can be worsened by less-than-ideal chemical levels and imbalances in the body. These are conditions traditionally treated by medication (diabetic, anyone?).
  • We want to try more external options first.  Most people tend to believe that making external changes to lifestyle will help. While it is true that getting enough sleep, staying active, improving work-life balance, etc. can and will help with mental illnesses, it is often very difficult to overhaul your lifestyle during bouts of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders. Medication can and may help with that little boost we need to get going.
  • Taking medication means acknowledging the problem. There is still a lot of stigma around mental health and mental illness, and unfortunately seeking help and turning to medication can (but shouldn’t) be a shameful and embarrassing experience. To this point, I always like to say that the first step to implementing a long-term solution for anything (mental health included) is to admit that you have an obstacle in your life that you can overcome, and to do so things need to change. These changes may or may not involve medication, but admitting the need for change is the best start.

Alright, got it. So why do we ultimately make the decision to try medication? Some reasons include:

  • We’ve been affected by mental illness for way too long. At some point, many people will say enough is enough and will want to make the decision to begin structured treatment which may involve starting a prescription med. Medication may be the first avenue pursued, or (see below) one of the latest.
  • We’ve exhausted other options. Often, people deciding to start medication have tried nearly everything else out there, and what they have tried has either not helped or only helped minimally (or for a time). It’s important to note that medication is not a panacea or fix-all solution, but it can help when combined with other treatment methods.
  • It’s worked for someone we know. There’s a good chance we know someone that has tried or is currently on some form of medication for mental illness. While it is always a good thing to know someone who has first-hand experience, it is also worth noting that medication affects everyone differently, so what works for one person may not necessarily work for someone else.

In conclusion, while the tone of this post may suggest that I am entirely pro-medication (I’m not, I just know what works for me), I must stress and reiterate that at the end of the day going on any form of medication is a decision that is not to be taken lightly. If you are considering starting a prescription medication for mental illness, I urge you to do your research and reach out to as many sources as possible. Learn what you can and cannot expect from the med, and be prepared for change.

I hope this post has been informative. Next time, I’ll attempt to delve into (from the layman’s perspective) the various types of medication out there, what they do chemically, and what you can expect from them.

Any questions, comments, concerns? Feel free to reach out!

10 Things I (Sometimes) Hate About Me

I couldn’t stick to just ten, so here’s a bunch of random things about me. Maybe you can relate.

I initially had a longer and more emotional post lined up for this week, but I’ve been having a rougher-than-usual last few days (even by my standards). That being said, I decided to post something with a bit of a lighter mood.

I couldn’t stick to just ten, so here’s a bunch of random things about me. Maybe you can relate. I may make a “Part 2” sometime. Maybe.

  • Sometimes I’m uncomfortable with small talk. Like…do you actually want to know about my day? Because I accidentally spread a mask on my toothbrush this morning instead of toothpaste…Clarins tastes like shit.
  • Are we still talking or can I, you know, just walk away now. No? OK cool I’ll just stand here. Wait, was I supposed to say “You too!” or just “Thank you.”? Fuck!
  • I really love dogs and every one I ever dog-sit becomes my child. Sorry my son peed on your hydrangeas Kathy.giphy[1]
  • Being a neat freak and caring for animals is an interesting mix. I love dog sitting but do not love cleaning enough hair out of my vacuum to stuff a decorative pillow. Wait, do people do that? *Googles ‘can I stuff a pillow with my dog’s hair’*
  • I used to be a morning person. Then I became a night person. Some days it’s debatable if I’m even a person at all and I need a coffee IV to function like a human being.
  • One of my fears in life is not having a future or making a terrible decision and ending up alone and homeless and never being able to make beautiful, emotionally-and-financially-supported mixed babies.
  • Sometimes the most anxious moment of my week doesn’t have anything to do with my future, but ma’am you are ringing in that guy’s groceries way too fast and I can’t pack mine fast enough aaaahhhhh…
  • Ma’am I really do have two dimes just give me a second *shuffles in pocket* – NO it’s not OK I have it I really do just give a second *awkwardly places condoms on counter* – What? Yes I have an optimum card.
  • I’m usually very good at eating healthy, but sometimes I have a setback emotionally, can’t be bothered, binge eat, and immediately hate myself. #OxfordComma
  • I quit drinking for 4 months earlier this year. I lost a bunch of weight and it really helped the pockets. Since then, I don’t drink heavily or regularly…but will have a beer or a rum here and there.
  • After an eight-month layoff due to various personal ills, I finally made it back to the gym last week. Now I just have to make it back.
  • As of late, most of my depressive days have been manageable. Some days though, I just want to go home and hop into bed for an eternity. Sometimes, instead of bed, I make a blanket fort in my kitchen by draping a duvet over the bar and hiding under it.
  • Managing my medication and activity have been pretty good as well. Some days though, I forget and I’m just a mess the next day…which is a struggle. The recently-increased dosage isn’t helping the cause either, I’m sure.
  • Sometimes I leave my mom’s voicemail messages on my phone longer than usual…just in case I ever need someone to tell me I’m handsome.
  • Sometimes I use my sister’s Instagram account to check up on people I no longer am in contact with. Not because I’m stuck in the past or am holding onto something I shouldn’t…sometimes I care more than I probably should and am always back and forth on how I feel about that.
  • Most of my closer friends are a significant distance (e.g. a plane ride) away and sometimes it sucks (Hi Hanna). 
  • I think it’s cool that more and more people are opening up about mental illness, especially men. I hope this trend continues.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this insight into my life, and the blog as a whole so far if you’ve been following.

Until next time,

xoxo (my love is very special),

Phil